I try to put together a new Wobbly. My head is wobbly, but I need to stay with it. Where am I now? I’m swimming in details. This is what Oxy does to me. This is what I have to endure. Also, and worst of all, the husband of a dear friend has just been found dead. I am swimming in uncertainty.
I am not writing poems. Imagine me with my head barely above water, gasping for breath as I come up. Thinking of you, wanting to say something coherent to you, my friend of a long time. Wanting to connect the dots so there is something in this world full of love, full of certainty here at least for now. Certainty doesn’t last, but it opens a channel between us. I was talking about the husband. Then I was talking about you my friend.
Want to know what it’s like? Want to know how I confuse things? Follow along. The pills are taking effect. They are necessary for now. It’s okay. It’s okay. The surest token of our friendship is the connection between us. The pills help. Really. For now.
Today I go to PT. I’m going back to aqua PT, which is easier for me. If I can just float in the water, I’ll make some progress. Yesterday I tried to walk but it was too painful, so I used the bike. Scott sent me a message, reminding me to do something. So I did. The bike.
My family reminds me to keep going. I will get through this. I’ll be able to walk again. Last night we went downstairs to dinner, a friend pushing me in the wheelchair. That was good. It’s good to have a wheelchair stashed in our cubbyhole. It is good that Medicare gave me a wheelchair when I left rehab. I am grateful.
The End-of-the-Line Project is on pause, but not dead. I think about my friend’s husband stopped short, the broken ends of his life done. I try to knit together the pieces of my own life so there will be more of it to go on. Because of the preciousness of every day. I will finish this Wobbly. Yay for that! I’ll get dressed and put on makeup. Yay for that!
Suppose I were on a cliff. I am on a cliff. Every breath. If you want to stand here with me, feeling the breeze, I would like that.